GranolaBox

I recently went to my first Silpada Jewelry party. My friends Kate and Jimmy were hosting a Silpada “Couples” party, which meant the women would all ooh and ahhh over the jewelry while the men paid partial attention and it ordered it from the omnipresent and slightly scary Silpada corporate rep. Or, the men would retire to a different part of the house and drink while the women shopped, which is what would have happened if Jimmy hadn’t fallen ill. Good move on Jimmy’s part.

For those of you unfamiliar with Silpada Jewelry, it’s this vaguely Southwesternly designed jewelry that’s all the rage among suburban middle class women. It’s also sold by suburban middle class women in what appears to be an ingenious marketing system. It’s kind of like the Avon parties my grandmother used to have, except the women are better looking and have more money.

It sounds inocuous enough but there’s an almost cult-like status about it. I’m no judge of jewelry, but the Queen of my Universe thinks it’s mostly ugly. I’ll take her word for it. We went for purely social reasons. With Jimmy being bed-ridden and having run out of fellow pussy-whipped husbands to chat with, my mind turned to a language the Stepford cum Silpada wives could use. So here’s my first attempt at a Silpadacabulary.

Silpadarama: a massive display of jewelry at a home sale. Silpadarama is only possible in the presence of a corporate rep.

Silpadamatopeia: this is the sound of white middle class women “oohing” and “aahing” over the latest new Silpada products captured in written form.

Silpadapottamous: This is a species of very large woman wearing an ostentatious amount of jewelry to draw attention away from her girth. You can also smell a Silpadapottamous from a long distance away, because she’s wearing a lot of perfume.

SilpadaM.I.L.F. : Quite the opposite of the Silpadapottamous, this is an attractive Silpada catalog model that husbands of Silpada hostesses fantasize about when they masturbate.

Silpadesiterada: In keeping with the Southwestern origin of all things Silpada, this is a poem containing a pathway to a spiritual life in jewelry sales. Individual passages can also serve as daily affirmations.

Silpadymous: The state of being achieved when one is at complete peace with Silpada. Can be acheived only after memorizing Silpadesiterada.

Silpadextrous: Someone wearing at least one Silpada ring or bracelet on each hand.

Silpedophile: A form of deviant behavior in which an older Silpada enthusiast attempts to lure a minor into the Silpada web by tempting them with lovely Southwestern-style jewelry and candy.

Silpadatitis: A skin condition caused by wearing an excess of jewelry.

Silpodiatry: The ability to adorn one’s feet and ankles with Silpada bling.

As the trend grows and legions of Silpada merchants home party their way to economic self-sufficiency, I’m sure the Silpadacabulary will grow and spread into daily language.

Technorati Tags: Silpada Jewelry, Silpada

Filed under: General Observations on November 21st, 2007