GranolaBox

These are some highlights from the Vasectomy Information and Instruction Sheet I got from the urologist. The stuff in bold was bold on the original text. The stuff in italics is the rambling of a man with very sore balls confined to his bed.

Take a SHOWER immediately before your operation, lathering the scrotum and genitalia at least 4 times thoroughly with soap.
I only did it three times. Cuz that’s how I roll.

SHAVE all hair from the front of the scrotum below the penis.
To quote Dr. Evil: “There’s nothing better then the feel of a freshly shorn scrotum.” Yes…and there’s nothing weirder than shaving it either.

WARNING: Do not use electric razor, clippers or any chemical hair removers.
So much for taking the easy way out. Nair on balls. Now there’s something ya don’t think about every day.

VASECTOMY consists of removal of a segment of the small tube (vas deferens) on each side which carries sperm from the testicle, thus blocking the passage of the sperm, resulting in sterility after the sperm stored in the body are eliminated.
I can just see the final remaining sperm… their hope of reaching the egg slowly diminishing, like pictures of the Vietnamese people watching the last helicopter pull away from the embassy in Saigon.

EPIDIDYMAL congestion is common after vasectomy and is related to blocking the vas. It may cause discomfort at the time of viral illnesses in the future. Very rare long term chronic pain may develop needing special care.
Are there two words in the English language less likely to appear in a Broadway musical than Epididymal Congestion?

STERILITY does not occur until the stored sperm supply has been depleted. The time to become sterile varies from two to several months. A sperm count must be done to test for the absence of sperm.
Yes, I still have sperm, and they’re mad as hell.

SPERM COUNTS are done after eight weeks. Sperm counts must be done by a certified laboaratory. Instructions will be given at the time of your surgery. PRINT YOUR NAME ON THE SPECIMEN BOTTLE.
Actually, the Doctor’s office prints the names out for us. I know this because I picked up someone else’s specimen bottle by accident, and almost walked out the door with it.

The OPERATION is done through a 1/4″ incision in the center of the scrotum. It takes from 1/2 to 1 hour in the office for the entire procedure.
1/4″ incision, 45 minutes and a $15 copay. Only in America.

ANESTHESIA is produced with Novacaine or Xylocaine. The anesthetic will last for about 1 1/2 hours after you leave the office. You may drive a car during this time.
Yes, the needle with the novacaine hurt a LOT. Drive a car? Maybe, but not a standard.

POST-OPERATIVE CARE is minimal. Go immediately home and lie flat for the first few hours. Thereafter, increase activity as tolerated. Do no heavy lifting or straining for one week. You may return to work the following day, but should expect to be uncomfortable if too active.
I could go back to work. New England Patriot’s wide receiver Randy Moss could NOT. Ergo, I will watch football on Sunday with DOUG as part of my post-operative care regimen.

SEXUAL activity may be resumed as soon as comfort allows.
The doctor said, the more you use it, the quicker you lose it. Besides, I heard chicks dig swollen, dicolored balls.

DISCOMFORT in the groin during the week after your operation is common. This is best relieved by wearing an athletic support. BLACK AND BLUE discoloration of the scrotum is normal.
I left my jock strap in the car, and so the nurse asked the Queen of my Universe to get it for me. QomU didn’t know what she meant by the term “scrotal support.” And what’s up with black and blue? Those are so NOT fall colors.

A SWELLING as large as a marble may occur at the site of the operation on each side. This will resolve gradually.
Would that be the size of a STANDARD marble, or what we used to call a BOULDER in marblespeak? This is a more important distinction now than it ever was on the playground.

Please call for an APPOINTMENT if any complication or problem arises after your operation.
You mean above and beyond the black and blue marble-sized swelling?

Filed under: General Observations on October 20th, 2007