GranolaBox

I’ve never had a better job for viewing human nature at its most vapid as being a barback in a shameless meat market bar. It had the most crowded Ladies nights and Friday Happy Hour. People would line up outside the door to see and be seen by all the sleazy meat market types in the City.

Since I was “just a barback” I didn’t have to, nay, wasn’t SUPPOSED TO interact with any of them. If they asked me for something, I’d claim barback status and go about my mindless business and be endlessly entertained by the horrific bar banter taking place all over the joint.

I’m going to sound snobby here… okay, I am snobby… but for the most part there weren’t any other reasonably intelligent people in that environment. I was definitely above the drunken clientele, if only while they were drunk.

I’m sure there were a lot of smart people at the bar but the atmosphere reduced them to the barest neaderthal behavior. The only difference between these drunks and the apes is that the drunk guys were by and large still wearing polyester business casual.

The only exception was my fellow barback Tucker. Tucker was a grad student at the Rochester Institute of Technology. He was a good old southern boy, staunch conservative; my intellectual opposite in just about every way.

While the clientele would wax philsophical about Bruce Willis’ credibility as an actor Tucker and I would debate on the behavior of man in the state of nature. I told Tucker all about being a teacher and graduate history student, he told me all about his techie photography classes. He told me about one course he took where the final exam was to take a still picture of a bullet the second it crossed the finish line. I was going to save the world by being a rock and roll history professor, and Tucker was probably going to assist in some regime toppling effort in some remote part of the globe.

Our thing was to do bizarre things on cue during particular songs, then act like we didn’t do them. We really messed with people’s heads that way. For example, there was a critical point in the song “Push It” by Salt n’ Pepa where everyone would yell “Push It Real Good.” At that point, Tucker and I would lift whatever glass we were holding and smash them dramatically, but safely. Then if anyone questioned us about it, we’d pretend it never happened.

Of course it was fun to eavesdrop on the conversations. We kept a log of funny lines we’d heard, in or out of context, and write them in a notebook. Sadly, both the notebook and my contact with Tucker are things of the past. I remember a few of both mine and Tucker’s, but I only remember the context of a few of them

1. 20somethingwoman to Oldercreepyguy: “Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m going home with someone who has a son that’s older than me.”

2. Urbancowboythrowbackguy to tired 40something woman at closing time: “I’ve got a ‘72 El Camino. Wanna go to breakfast with me?” The saddest part was that she took the bait.

3. Really drunk 20somethingwoman to two oldercreepyguys “I’ve never been with two men before, but I’m pretty good at multi-tasking.”

4. 20somethingwoman trying to dump Creepy40something guy: “I think I have to throw up.” The guy bought a drink for her and waited for her outside the restroom.

5. 20somethingwoman: “I think Paula Abdul is the best singer EVER.”

6. “Oh my god… I could have sworn you guys just smashed glasses.”

7. One outofplacedeadhead to another: “You saw it too? I was just thinking how glad I am that I didn’t take TWO of those.”

8. Drunk30something teacher on a Wednesday at 2:AM to Tucker: You’re the hottest bellboy ever!” then barfing on his shoes.

9. To me, on a rare slow, post happy hour moment: “The secret of the world is contained in symbology in Alan Parsons Project songs. I know that secret. That’s why the government is after me.” This guy was drinking Coke. Lots and lots of Coke.

10. Early 30somethingjock in 49ers Jersey indignantly to drinking buddies: “If saying I think Joe Montana is a good looking guy makes me gay, then GODAMMIT I’m GAY.”

Filed under: Yesterdaze on August 28th, 2007